America. The greatest country on Earth. Except in healthcare (38th), education (134th), civil liberties (49th), freedom from corruption (22nd), life expectancy (49th), and happiness (21st). Hm. These statistics aren’t working out as well as I’d thought. We do win at carbon footprint, incarceration rate, teen pregnancy rate (for the developed world), mental disorders, and school shootings, though. We’ve got a lot to be proud of.

As a correspondingly proud American myself, I was very excited for my study abroad to Spain. I wanted to see for myself just how these socialists were drowning in their taxes and what it was like in the freedomless hellscape of Europe. It was exactly as I had expected.

These reds have actually bought into the massive liberal conspiracy that is “global warming”. All around Barcelona, the first city I visited, were bike lanes, roads too small for cars, and these strange little things called “scooters”, which I can only assume is some sort of colloquial term for an anti-freedom-mobile. These people even had bike roads. It was disgusting.

Things only got worse when I went to the beach, where Europe’s barbarous standards of culture are openly on display. Somehow these brutes think it is acceptable for women to display the entirety of their chests, as if sexualizing a body part only used in maternal contexts is weird or something. Bunch of freaks.

Spaniards don’t even have freedom in their toilets. Each one has a little button that lets you select whether you want a small flush or a large flush, and they don’t even let you defecate into a pool of purified water to show how much greater you are than impoverished African countries. Take that, Africa. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, toilets. I want a toilet that shows that I am a man. I want a flush that takes away entire gallons of fresh drinking water and dirties them on my behalf. Eco-toilets are for [sorry I can’t write slurs even when I’m being sarcastic].

Okay, seriously now: Spain beats the crap out of the United States. Europe makes the US seem like a third-world country. This is a culture that actually cares about the environment, about politics, and about other people. Europe was never infected by the crippling individualism of the United States, the amoral “Objectivism” that poisons our culture. Spain has a culture that cares. Even in a time of economic crisis, they still haven’t given up on their people: they provide free healthcare, free college education, and many forms of independence to their different cultural regions. Speaking of which, ¡Visca Cataluña!

It’s okay, though. We’ve got those commies in military expenditure.
†This post was censored by the man.

Stay tuned for some lovely pictures of spain: