There are terrorists online. They stalk social networking sites in the forms of young, narcissistic teenagers. (You would say narcissistic too, if you saw the number of pictures they have of themselves.) I think that if there were restrictions on Facebook as strict as some of the rules airports instated since the notorious underwear bomber, using this particular website would be so much more relaxing and less gray-hair-inducing.

No, really. Rather than having a metal detector before entering the area, there would be a mental detector that would regulate who could use the site. It would ask questions like, ‘How often do you change your status?’ or ‘How much skin will be showing in your profile picture?’

(Answers: Not more than once a day, unless you suddenly win the lottery or something equally ridiculous and slim to none.)

So, if Facebook implemented this restraining process, here are the ‘terrorists’ who would be banned:

The Shutterbug: Considering that one of Facebook’s most popular features is its focus on photographs, it’s understandable that some people have many albums showcasing recent events or, their very talented shots. This is all well and good, but every now and then, a few people feel the need to devote an entire album of 150 pictures to jumping shots or some other mundane topic. Maybe one or two would look nice, but the rest are all of them grimacing as they fall through midair or just repetitious, boring shots. Who has the time to look at all of those (much less wants to)? Even worse are the pictures of people smooching or posing in various suggestive ways. For example, boys who pose in front of the mirror and take photos of their ‘abs’ or girls who make ‘seductive’ facial expressions while wearing less than bikinis. Frankly, it’s not attractive.

The “Friend”: Facebook allows you to keep in touch with people who you may have lost contact with over the years. But once in a while you’ll get a friend request from someone you absolutely don’t know. People who do this either a) think they know you, b) want to get to know you in a way that might not be universally known as ‘friendly’, or c) just want to make their number of ‘Friends’ go up so that they can feel better about the empty place inside their heart that they try to fill with virtual connections. Hopefully the answer is d) that never happens to you. If it does, just hit Ignore. (Or, if you have the Pirate Language Setting like I do, hit ‘Arrr, keelhaul this landlubber!’ which makes denying people friendship a little easier.)

The Unnecessary Informer: Facebook’s home page is a live feed of people’s recent activities. It’s filled with posted pictures, wall posts and more importantly, statuses. This is the most basic form of communication—it allows people to know what’s happening in their lives in a sentence or two. Unfortunately, statuses can take a rather negative turn. There are several categories of people here. The Vague Emo, who usually puts up things like, “[I] wish that something made life worth living…” How are people supposed to react to that? What do you want us to do? Call the Suicide Hotline? Next, there’s the Pedophile Bait/Desperate Planner. I call it this because they post things like, “[I’m] hanging out with the bestie, shower, then bed! Texttt me!!! 123.456.7890.” They practically beg for attention and connection to other people and expose themselves wide open.
Lastly, there’s the Inside-Joker. They have statuses that can range from obscene to disturbing, but it’s all right, as long as they have ‘Inside Joke!’ at the end of it. It can be something like “I just ate a bowl of poop…inside joke, haha!” or “I want to “make love”…kidding!”

What’s the point?

The Chatter: Facebook Chat is an Instant Messaging sort of device. Unfortunately, people take advantage of this more than they should, especially when it’s not wanted…they seem to know exactly when that is, and bug you when it’s least welcomed.
Them: Sup!
Person in aforementioned difficult position: Not much. Homework…blech. You?
-Oh, you know.
-…know what?
-Just, stuff.
-Okay. Uh. Did you need something?
-No, just wanted to say hi.
-…
-Hi!
-Hey.
-So, what’s up?
-……………………..

The Requester: This person will send you endless event invitations, flair or bumper stickers, and groups to join. Some groups may be funny and interesting, but a lot of them are just junk. For example, the ever mindless “I dropped my phone in the toilet and now I need your numbers!” that gets sent to you at least once a month.  It’s even worse when you get an invitation from someone that you don’t know and you have no idea why you’d be giving them your number in the first place.

Oh, and there’s the Fan. On Facebook, you can become ‘Fans’ of certain things. For example, I’m a fan of the Madison Project and Mr. J’s Bacon, Egg and Cheese Bagel. But then some people feel the need to become fans of things like, ‘Music/Lyrics.’ Wow. What a unique choice! It really shows your personality and character. What else are you a fan of? Breathing? Me too, imagine that!

The Hater: These people are the ones who are vicious on Facebook. There is the Disser, who is the exact opposite of the Liker. The Liker goes the extreme and ‘Likes’ nearly everything (gives a thumbs up or approves of recent events) while the Disser takes the trouble to respond with ‘Dislike’, as if by saying ‘Dislike’ they have created such a profound change in the receiver’s post. The Hater also gossips violently, often doing it in unnoticeable, acerbic ways, like posting comments on a picture that the person doesn’t want attention drawn to, or commenting on a Relationship Status Change. Also, they constantly criticize “old people” having a Facebook account. They claim that they shouldn’t be doing something that is clearly out of their age range. But guess what? You’re not supposed to be having sex or drinking underage, so I think we’re even.

I do not want to give the impression that I am against Facebook or judge all people who use it. At some point, we have all been guilty of committing the atrocities listed above; when people continue to do them extensively though, it gets annoying. As long as these people are kept off of Facebook, the world of social networking will be a much better place.